Personae Malevolent 14 - Turducken v2.0

(Original posted nearly 1 year ago here)


Turducken

CR 5
XP 1,600
N Small magical beast (5d12 lbs)
Init +4; Senses darkvision 60 ft., low-light vision, scent; Perception +10

DEFENSE
AC 17, touch 15, flat-footed 13 (+4 Dex, +2 natural, +1 size)
hp 37 (5d10+12)
Fort +6; Ref +8; Will +6

OFFENSE
Speed 60 ft, Fly 40 ft, Swim 20 ft

Melee
Peck +5 (1d4+1)
2 Spur Claws +7 (1d6+2)
2 Running Claws +5 (1d4+1)

Special Attacks: Warble, Pounce

STATISTICS
Str 14, Dex 18, Con 18, Int 2, Wis 20, Cha 6
Base Atk +3; CMB +2; CMD 17 (21 vs. trip)
Feats Multiattack, Weapon Finesse
Skills Perception +10, Stealth +12, Survival +7

SPECIAL ABILITIES

Warble (Su)
Once every 1d4 rounds as a standard action, a turducken can
generate a mind-affecting effect by warbling "Gobuakuk!". Every
non-turducken  in a 60 foot radius takes 2d6 points of nonlethal
damage and is fatigued as though they had not eaten for 3 days, and
are therefore starving (DC 16 Will save for half and no fatigue). The
save DC is Constitution-based.

Nonlethal damage from thirst or starvation cannot be recovered until
the character gets food or water, as needed—not even magic that
restores hit points heals this damage.

Leap (Ex)
When a creature with this special attack makes a charge, it can make a
full attack.

ECOLOGY
Environment - Forests and low hills
Organization - Solitary, mated pair, or grand feast (3-9)
Treasure none (Unspoiled carcass is worth 500 gp)

The turducken is a chimeric beast along the same lines as an owlbear
or hippogryph. They only appear near human settlements around
harvest time each year, and it is rare to find more than one at a time.
A majestic comb crowns its head like a jaunty pompadour, matching
nicely with its rather dapple waddle and aerodynamic beak. When
swimming, the four front legs fold in close to the body to allow the
webbed feet from the rear to paddle.
Elusive beasts, turduckens trust in their natural camouflage to keep
them out of sight when hungry humans are about. If it becomes
evident that escape will be impossible the turducken will launch itself
heedlessly into battle against its pursuers, upon whom it will unleash
the primal fury that has slumbered within the hearts of turkeys, ducks,
and chickens for generations.

POSTMORTEM SPECIAL ABILITIES

FEAST
These beasts are much prized by the finest chefs in the land. A cook
must prepare a turducken with a DC 20 Profession: Chef check to
unlock its hidden potential.

Everyone that eats at least 1/4 lb of turducken meat receives a +1
morale bonus to all saves for 2 hours, and doesn't need to eat again for 24 hours. If more than two portions are consumed in the span of one day, the imbiber must succeed at a DC 20 Fort save or fall unconscious for 1d4 hours.

DRUMSTICKS
Anyone who eats one of the turducken's legs receives the effects of a
Cure Light Wounds as cast by a 1st level Cleric.

LEFTOVERS
Turducken meat will never ever spoil.

I have words.

I think the real reason our country has been so viciously divided this election is the inclusion of social media - mostly Facebook - into the equation. 

There is a certain anonymity that comes with posting online, (this is especially true for people who use message boards) and even though our faces and names are attached to what we say over Facebook, we feel more empowered to type our ideas, opinions, and (most dangerously) beliefs into a little magic box.

We do this not with the express intent to upset or offend people who are ostensibly our "friends" (or so we'd hope!), but to show how good and valid our ideas, opinions, and beliefs are as they relate to the current trending topic.

This can be quite rude on its own when that topic is divisive. It is possible for several groups of intelligent and well-informed people of good moral character to reach very different conclusions about the most moral and intelligent way to look at something. Touting your unsolicited opinion in mixed company when you know that there are probably people present who strongly disagree is simply in bad taste, and certainly not something most of us would normally do. 

But it doesn't stop there. There is no faster way to escalate something than to put it on the internet. There are always extremists and pundits willing to put energy and money into cranking out hateful propaganda. Somebody makes a funny picture poking at the other guy, who makes a picture he thinks is funny to poke back, but actually sort of pisses guy A off, so he finds a picture that is all about calling guy B stupid, or bigoted, or (gag. hurk.) ignorant.

That word has been forever ruined for me. . 

Now instead of just looking for ass-pats about how good their ideas, opinions, and beliefs are, they've moved on to saying that people who disagree must be unable or unwilling to think properly; and all the while they themselves are unable or unwilling to see the vulgar arrogance they've have fallen into. 

I remember people being private about their votes.  Then if and when things didn't go their way, they were able to shrug it off. They could go have a coke with the people whose candidate had carried the day, because there was a great chance that neither had ever gotten angry with the other in the first place.

Now I see good people from both sides who belong to Facebook groups that encourage and feed off of vile, racist, hateful rhetoric. Romney supporters have sour grapes, and Obama supporters are smug. I expected as much, given how nasty things had gotten. But I was not ready for "I can't believe how absolutely retarded people who voted that piece of human trash back into office are!" or "Cry more white man. Your tears are delicious and Romney is an evil corporate predator,".

Unconscionable.

I ended up hiding so many feeds from so many really cool people, and I plan to get busy un-hiding soon. I hope we'll all consider, though, that there is absolutely no reason it ever needs to go this way again. We don't need to spread the ready-made vitriol that small, angry people like to circulate. We should never insult the intelligence or integrity of our friends by condescending or pontificating to them. 

To everyone who voted for Mitt Romney, hey. It was a good try, and an extremely close race despite what the electoral college would have you believe. The sun rose today and it'll be here tomorrow, and even the people that disagreed with you won't stand for seeing actual harm come to you or your loved ones - so what's really so awful?

To everyone who voted for President Obama, congratulations. He's got a hell of a challenge ahead of him, and since he's your guy you'll probably feel a sense of responsibility for decisions he makes over the next four years. Be sure to help him by bridging some of the  gaps that formed during all the electoral fervor.

To everyone who voted for Gary Johnson, congratulations. The fact that people know his name in this two-party system of ours is exciting, and a victory in itself. We might be ready for a third, fourth, and fifth perspective before too many more elections!

To absolutely everyone - If I said or did anything upsetting during the past few months (as it pertains to politics, at least), I am sincerely sorry. I try not to show my hand too often, and intend to show it even less next time around. I hope you'll consider joining me when that time comes. =)

God bless.